A quote that I love.

Trust your heart if the seas catch fire. Live by love though the stars walk backwards.                                                                                    E.E Cummings

Because Now I'm a 20

Dear Friend,
I'm sure you are worried about me because I haven't written since my 13th birthday and a lot of time has passed. Like a lot. I recently underwent my birthday. And this world appears so bleak.
Because now life feels like it has started. For real.
When I turned 10, I finally felt happy about entering a double-digit age. I remember I used to gloat around my friends who were still 9, forcing them to call me 'Bajy', not answering them when they didn't. Life was suddenly about being one major year older, having more responsibilities although I have yet to think what responsibilities befall a 10-year old. But, nevertheless I felt I had grown up and that extra errand didn't hurt the fact.
Years passed and I finally entered my teens. Nothing earth-shattering I guess. I was in that happy state of life where I was a teen forever, nothing could dissipate me from my Eden.
Time passed (again!) and at last I reached my 19th birthday. Now what? I asked myself, quite puzzled because the day I turned 13 seemed like just yesterday. So now my teenage years are just going to end? I'm going to be 20? The massive just-around-the-brink adulthood was almost here where parents were waiting to unload all that trashy adult-hood stuff I had yet to figure out. I admit I went into shock for a few minutes.
This is growing up I think. You change. I turn back and find a stupid, idealistic girl with no inspirations, no real targets, goals. And here I am, in my 20th year, being someone. I think much, ponder over the detailed intricacies which my mind had stubbornly decided to overlook. Adults may still see me as that pony-tailed, knee-bending girl with the silly know-nothing, seen-nothing grin but inside I know how much I've seen and heard. I can judge people better, I know what matters and what doesn't. 
But still, I'm not an adult.
You could say we people in our early Tweens, as I call it, are stuck in a limbo, a place where adults never take you seriously but there is always an exclamation mark after their never-ending sentence *You are growing up! Act properly* As if adults really act properly.
We're the misunderstood ones, the left-out, never quite fitting in the kids but not old enough for adult conversations(except those with your bestie)
We  have finally understood life, our role in it and but we are still confused about it. This might be the second puberty which hits a 20 year old by slow and obsolete osmosis. We undergo changes not really decipherable on the exterior and parents, not being able to read us well, term us as "being fine". Which could not be further from the truth.
At times escape throttles in our blood, urging us to to just pack and leave. Go anywhere. The mind does not think coherently. At times, we just wanna hide, in the privacy of our own room, not wanting to talk. The times when parents start smirking at each other with the notion hanging in the air *just 5 more years* and all you can keep from slitting your throat is to just sit and grit.
I can say hitting the 20's (Gawd!) was not fun. I was confused and irritated. Confused about what kind of person I was. Irritated because I didn't (don't!) want to grow up into those jerky adults everyone hates. When the clock struck 12 on 6th September, I was glad it was over.
Which might just be the sign that maybe, I've grown up. (Oh god NO!)

Everything KH

I read his book A Thousand Splendid Suns and I was hooked.
The use of simple language and the way he described the surroundings so that one is able to locate precisely what is happening, where it's occurring was beautifully implicated. There were no difficult words mind you and I didn't feel the need to read the book along with a dictionary as one is forced to do while skimming Atlas Shrugged. The story was rich without the use of laboriously rigid letters spun together.
The most admirable thing about this book was the use of Urdu words, giving not the least inhibiting influence to a non-Urdu speaker.The book spoke, as anyone who has read it would agree. It was alive. It didn't just have a story to tell, but it demanded the attention it needed riveted by it's reader.
Just this year, after much begging, I was awarded his recent best-seller And The Mountains Echoed by my best friend on my birthday. This story was much more complex, intricate relationships between the characters. But all the same, it kept me turning it's pages throughout the night. 
I couldn't agree more with the Washington Post: Send Hossaini up the bestseller again.

Procrastination? My Foot!

Yeah, I never really got around to writing it down. Still procrastinating.
Here's a picture of Harry Porker as a pig.

Why I'm Sad

I want to be happy. I really do. I feel happy when I study and I learn something useful. I'm happy when I can watch The Simpsons all day long. I'm happy when I'm eating my favourite things. But you can't remain happy for long. It's impossible. If a person tells you, he's happy, he's satisfied, life could never have been better, he's lying. This world sees to that. Imagine this. You're happy, eating a shawrma in your car and you spot a kid, a starved animal hunting for food, how would that make you feel? Happy? Satisfied? Life could never have been better right?
This is what life really is. A dance between happyness, sadness and the doubt between these two things. And all those things that you think when you're doubting make you the person that you are. Are you thinking about yourself? About that left-over pizza from yesterday? Or are you thinking of giving it to that emaciated crow in your yard? This is what Allah wants us to do. We are His people His army. Life is not about lying down in one place and dying in it the next. It's about giving. You have never really lived until someone cannot return the favour you bestowed upon them. So keep your eyes open and never hesitate to help someone. Pray for that person agonizing over their exams. Pray for the family sitting in a rictus during their loved one's operation. Give, in any way you can and when you cannot anymore, that is the time to die. In peace. Happiness.

Sleep Much?

The irrevocable feeling that tonight, sleep is not going to be my companion, the need to close my eyes for a nap and the monster or ghoul I see behind my closed lashes, the non-existent foot steps I hear on the stairs, expecting a claw on my shoulder, Freddy Kruger standing in my room, the metal hand glinting ominously in the sepulchral glow even though the movie's been played on my screen like three years ago and this character doesn't crop up until now, the realization that today is Friday the 13th, then I know it's Appy's night at the hospital tonight.
I dread it, this dance of my sister's between the hospital and her warm bed, occurring once every 4 days. When she returns after a night, I bask in the glow of being able to close my eyes and sleep soundly, not caring about any demon, dementor or banshee standing at the edge of my bed. I even turn off the light (something I'm not famous for!) and enjoy a marvelous rest.

But the day I realize I'm going to be all alone in the upper half of my house, is enough to keep me awake for the rest of the night. Which is a good thing as a couple of snatches of sleep are already out of my reach.
I wonder what I'm gonna do when I grow up eventually. Keeping a lot of cats so I can sleep if I live alone (which I'm actually gonna do!) or try to live with my parents (hell to the no).
I guess the first one is something to think about.
I just hope by the time I'm ready to live on my own, I have erased these irrational fears (read stupid) and can perfectly snooze off in any environment.
Or it could be just this that maybe I'm going to be so pooped out by working all day (or all night!) that I'm not gonna care about any supernatural thing lurking around in the background while I rest with my eyes completely closed....Post up a sign for the dementor buddy or the bogeyman; Give it a rest dude! I'm  ex-Hausted!!
Maybe that will be it. But I mustn't get my hopes high. Even now I have to glance back over my shoulders to investigate what that squishing sound was just now...Oh wait, it's just granny's wet slipper's...walking by itself? Oh no.....maybe I'm hallucinating from lack of serotonin in my blood.....

A World Without Time

If Time did not exist, there would be no late-comers and no early birds. If time didn't exist, there would be no dead lines, no schedule. People won't hurry along at 7 in the morning with a look that specifies most of me is still in bed. There would be no traffic jams, no honking cars. You wouldn't see people screaming at each other hoarse just because their ignition pipe was broken and they're late for work. There would be no jostling on the pavements as no one would be on time or even late. In fact, everyone would be striding peacefully in their own wake, taking out the time to watch the world as it passes slowly by.
If time didn't exist then students would not hurry to complete the paper; you would simply hand in your paper when you finish it. There would be no breakfast, lunch or dinner. We would simply eat when we would feel hungry(in my case; always!)

If time didn't exist, people would age without realization. We wait every year to turn one second, one minute older and in our hearts we would know that every tick of the clock takes away something. But without time, this little epiphany would come much much later.
Time governs our being, our existence. We are dependent on it. It owns us in a way that we cannot deny. It uses us, mocks us by going slowly in hard times and rushing past like a Freight train when life is good. It puts itself in our hands, giving us the power to at least make it better or bitter.
A king once, asked his vizier to write something on his hand to gain the notoriety to look at it and become satisfied, whether it be sunshine and daisies or thunder and black clouds.
The vizier wrote just four words: This Time Will Pass. 
Time is indeed a blessing. 

What My Children Will Know

When my children start their existence, I will tell them to enjoy it and not take life seriously. I will tell them life

is a narrow path with many destinations leading to endless brims. I will tell them not to choose the correct path but rather, the correct destination. When my daughter starts to grow up and starts to feel uncomfortable about her body, I will tell her that at her age, I felt the same and that she will grow used to it. When my son gets low grades or does not meet my expectations, I will encourage him to treat this failure as a lesson. I will tell him, though success gives us many things, failure teaches us far more better things. I will tell my children it is better to fail than to cheat. When my children are confused what path they should take in life, I will comfortably guide them, yet at the same time give them the choice and independence of their own decisions. When teenage hits them and they become moody, I will give them space, time but assure them with invisible words that I can help. I will tell my children to respect their father for he works hard and what he earns, he earns for them. When my children get a thought they think they ought to share, I will not judge them and leave them not astray. When my daughter grows up, I will not pressurize her into marrying someone she doesn't want to and tell her that matches are made in heaven, someday her prince will come. I will teach my children that a life spent living for one's sake is a life not spent at all. I will tell them being successful does not mean riches, big houses, bigger cars but a happy, satisfied life. I will tell them that by helping others, you can gain your serenity, peace in life. I will tell my children to always respect adults and praise their decisions because they have been there before. I will tell them not to trust anyone blindly, not even their elders for elders are only human and may be wrong. I will tell them to hold their head up high and face the world with confidence. I will tell my children that nothing lasts forever and whatever they do should only be for the Hereafter, this world is nothing. I will tell my children to do what is Right and not give a fig about what others say. Lastly, I will teach my children to believe in Allah and in Him only as this life is all about what we get in the Hereafter.

"We all have that invisible watch on our exterior. We just don't know how many decades, years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds are left till our existence crumbles. Don't ever forget death. Don't shy away from it rather greet it like an old friend and face the hereafter honorably."

The Woes and Foes in Medicine.

I woke up to the sound of pattering rain. My room was dark and gloomy. My eyes wandered to to the clock and I was surprised to see it was only 11 in the morning. The epiphany of grief hit me in waves and I knew the dementors had come for me at last.
"It's raining!" All of a sudden my sister and aunt became jumping jacks as if they had been wound up very energetically, the key flushed away into the toilet. I stood morosely, the thunder lightening in my eyes. It was obvious, I was going through the terrible blahs of my life. And my best friends message, "Brace yourselves! Thor is coming!" did nothing to lift up the corners of my mouth as I turned round to hit the books. I mean, literally hit those 10 feet piles of utter ridiculousness.....

Don't get me wrong. I love to read and study and learn and all that jazz which is not accepted at the place where I go. To come out flying on my Firebolt with flying colours, I would have to grab one book (the one recommended by the teacher, of course) learn it by heart without any sense of what I'm trapping into my brain and reproduce it. No, not reproduce it, produce it as it is on paper. And hey! I grabbed the 1st position in more than 100 students! And I didn't even know what I was doing!
Sometimes I feel as if the brain is a vestigial organ. No thinking, no integration, no sequence. In fact! You should give me a lobotomy. You know, cut out all that useless gray matter that's taking up all this space in my head. But leave the hippocampus please! That's my secret one-way ticket to "success"!
It's so ironic. Good scores are all that matter. If you use your brain, it's a mockery. A laugh riot.
To think, when we finally deal with a patient, our "learning" will be so "helpful". As in the amount of information stored in our heads, of which we can neither make head or tail out of, would be very essential in saving a life. Like...like a definition! Better than cure!
Apart from all the wise cracks and dripping sarcasm (at which I'm so good at), struggle is a constant thorn in my side. Oh, I mean my oblique muscles. And the myriad looks and comments *you know that book is not for your level, it's way too hard to understand better yet memorize* seem to stifle the life out of me *I'm way too young to die* and the laughs and the anyone-not-figuring-me-out phase and the "average student" tattooed across my forehead like an unwanted advertisement......
All in all, the sun shines brighter on the bright side *obviously* and the grass is always greener on the other side *myopic vision baby* See? I'm doing it again.
I'm waiting and working for a feather in my cap one day. I know it'll come. An eagles. No no! A stork's. Or maybe a sparrow's. Oh, wait I already have too many itty bitty sparrow feather's in my torn cap.......

One of those things!

Bruno Mars had a grenade, and Taio Cruz had dynamite, so they threw them at Katy Perry who exploded like a firework. The bang was so loud that the Black Eyed Peas forgot the time while Rihanna had memory loss and went around saying whats my name. Eminem looked around and said i' m not afraid, then Willow Smith wipped her hair which scared the far east movement who began to fly like a G6, then JLo fell on the floor, Nelly then woke up and said PHEW! It was just a dream!
And then Kanye west called for help to the ET! :D
And Justin Beiber got afraid and lost so he decided to 'eenie meenie miney mo' to get home :)
but he soon found that he was under the mistletoe so he called Selena Gomez to tell her and she said Tell Me Something I Don't Know!
And then Miley Cyrus got bored and went to party in the U.S.A and Demi Lovato went to LaLa Land without telling Rihanna which made her say I love the way you lie!
Suddenly chris brown jumped up and said Look At Me Now...why jay sean became chicken little exclaiming that The Sky is Falling Down!
And then Kesha began to tick tock which made Thirty seconds to mars angry and they declared war which made Green Day say Wake me up when September ends!

And then green day realized that they were the American Idiots and Nickleback ran Farawayyy! :D

And then Katy Perry woke up from her teenage dream and Taylor Swift realized life is just a love story! The End!

P.S: If you're wondering, what the hell did I just read, check out my blog title. Cheerios!

The Bravest Place on Earth

As his forehead touched the soft fabric of the Jan-e-maaz, he felt serenity. Peace. This was the only remedy he needed to sooth his jangling nerves. What a sight he must be, prostrated in the authenticity of God, a painting not even worthy of passing through Leonardo Da Vinci’s brush strokes. He straightened his tongue forever in the blissful movements of uttering God’s praises. His eyes, though on the usual look of an observer were speculated  on the prayer mat, were actually searching for Allah, His divine existence. The joy of surrendering oneself to His supremacy! People were daunted by the idea of giving presentations in front of their bosses and judges. They were missing the biggest presentation of all! The namaz. Sadly, pondered by some, missed by all.

Oh, only if the people took times from the idiosyncratic happenings of their world to take a peek into God’s world, what marvelous sights they would be seeing. What’s once seen cannot be unseen. And what’s never seen cannot ever make a path in anyone’s conscience.

Students, bartering their way through exams and tests and other horrendous worldly sadistic pleasures, what they are ignorant from is the exam taking place from the beginning of man’s existence. From the bite of an apple to the slither and hiss of the serpent, everyone is undergoing major scrutiny, an eye in a large telescope, the scribbling of parchment on either sides of the shoulder. Yet no one gives even a thought to this.

He raised his eyes and took a deep breath. The revelation, the epiphany only came to him in these times, when he bowed himself to Allah’s will. Folding up the Jan-e-maaz, he sat down on the floor and smiled grimly, oh what creatures of ignorance will find in this world if they cannot define the Hereafter. What were they running to and from when the day they die, all will be lost, all will be lost.

He inclined his hands towards Him and begin to pray.

My Person

There she was always, sitting under the shade of the money-plant, her golden brown fur glittering in the morning sun. She would look up at you, with those almond shaped green ayes and pad softly over to lend a loving purr or simply a shoulder to cry on. Her name was Kitty and she was 14 years old. She had been with us since her kitten days, my sister finding her behind an old dustbin behind our house. She was scared of us and was she tiny!
A few days later we found out that a tom cat had murdered and literally beheaded all her siblings and she was the only one who had survived. We cried when we came to know this horrible incident and vowed to give a home to our newest family member.

But I wasn't happy. Kitty quickly took to my mother in terms of the youngest sibling. Whenever I wanted to sit in Ammi's lap, she would roll over from wherever she would have been lolling around and would jump up into my mothers lap, glinting at me from behind those mischievous eyes. We hated each other.
My hatred grew so much that one day, while my mother and everyone in the house was sleeping, I took her out and threw her down from the balcony! The nerve of me! But she landed on her four paws much to my utter disappointment and had to bear harsh words from my family. How could you do such a thing? They all asked me. I could only shrug and mumble while Kitty gloated and purred in my mothers lap.

Then I turned eight and we shifted into another house. I was residing at my uncle's for a few days and came back hoping Kitty was lost somewhere in the past, but she turned up just the same, a scared ball of fur. I'm sorry to say I aggravated anxious behaviour just a bit more.
We had a series of small fights after our move. We despised each other so much. But the irony of it all is, Kitty always used to sleep with me. My sister said it was due to the fact that my small body covered only one half of the bed, leaving the other half free for Kitty to stretch and turn. Or maybe it was just a ploy to make me develop asthma. Thanks Kitty.
When I turned 12, my parents got divorced and there was no Ammi for Kitty. I don't know how but she quickly made spaces in our hearts for herself and my sister and I, helplessly feel in love with her. She used to stay in our room, sleeping with me. She was our baby, the center of our lives.
During all this time, many of our pets died. We had 12 cats! I always used to cry and it left me heart-broken. But my conscious at all times sought out Kitty. She was always there.
The winter of 2012, the blackest winter if I ever saw one. I was 19 and Kitty was 14. I noticed she wasn't breathing properly and her stomach made abnormal movement. We took her to the vet and came to know the shattering news: her liver and kidneys were failing and she was going into Congestive Cardiac Failure. We were both aghast. The reality was far too scary to even face. We were going to lose her.
But still, we took her for an X-Ray and blood test. She was so terrified and panic-stricken, I had to hold her down very gingerly. The tests were done easily but my sister and I both knew, they were useless.
That night, I cried a lot. Kitty was sitting under the bed and came out to console me. Her purrs made me go to to sleep right there on the floor beside her. It was the longest night of our lives. And the most dreadful.
Kitty was euthanized on 5th November, 2012. I can and will never forget her. She was my best friend who listened to me, who didn't judge me. She consoled me whenever I was sad and helpless. She was more than a cat. She was a part of our family and always will be. No matter how many cats I keep in the future now. Kitty will always be the one who was my equal. No cat can ever replace her. I love you Kitty.

Why Is It When?

Why is it whenever I sit down to pee, the telephone rings?
Why is it when I want something to happen very badly, it's chances of happening squirrel down to zero?
Why is it when I'm eating my favourite snack and suddenly guests arrive?
Why is it when I'm trying to sleep and my cat want's to be fed?
Why is it when I really wanna eat something, I develop a severe tummy ache?

Why is it when I wanna listen to songs in the car and everyone becomes suddenly so chatty?
Why is it when I'm watching a movie and the electricity goes off?
Why is it when I try to tear off the grape skin and the whole grape bounces right across the room.
Why is it at the bank teller, there's not a single chair free when I badly want to sit down?
Why is it when I'm in a mood to write something and not a single inspiration comes to me?
Why is it when I'm searching out things in my head happening to me by Murphy's Law and can't find something really so relatable? Like now?

What Is Happiness?

Happiness is laughing so hard with your friends, you get a severe pain in your abdomen. Happiness is studying hard for a test and

come out passing with flying colours. Happiness is lots of cats. Happiness is reading your book of choice in your very own bed. Happiness is coming home and be greeted by your fur-baby. Happiness is understanding something in class. Happiness is finding out someone praised you behind your back. Happiness is talking to your best friend after 2 weeks. Happiness is finding out your crush liked your photo on facebook. Happiness is just standing and staring at your book collection, feeling over whelmed by your love for books. Happiness is eating your favorite cuisine. Happiness is opening the kitchen cabinet and finding that left-over packet of Cheetos. Happiness is petting that cute, feral kitten playing outside your house. Happiness could be anything. But the most important thing is, it should come from within you. 

The Day I Failed.

The Day I Failed. It sounds a bit synonymous to The Day The Earth Stood Still. Or the Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Or Failures. Well, the earth did stand still for a second or two for me when I realized that I had failed. Not just my exams but my parents, my family. The realization that I will have to crack open yet again the never-ending syllabus and study while all my other friends are out celebrating their good results. The epiphany of facing college (read Azkaban), the stares and the whispers and the none too quick to appear questions about my grades, the quizzical looks at me *Seriously, YOU got failed*, the never-ending litany of barrage directed towards me and yes, the Earth was completely still at that time but my legs just didn't co-operate. I got into bed and cried my heart out; for all the hard-work that I had put in, the expectations of my family, the happier days, the wishes I had so needlessly asked Him. I cried so much I was hiccuping badly, feeling desperately sorry for myself. And suddenly, I didn't want to cry anymore. I didn't feel sad or even ashamed. The truth was out and sooner or later I had to accept it. I had failed. And no amount of tears shed were going to change this fact.
I lay in bed, my will to get up had disappeared. Wanting to avoid a confrontation, I informed my aunt by text. Seemed like a harmless thing to do *Hey! You know about that exam I gave in January? Evidently, I did not pass. Sincerely, your daughter who tries too hard* I lost track of time after that.
She came up the stairs to my room, where I lay on my bed like unflushed piss "Janu kuch nai hota. Bhool jao isko (This doesn't matter. Forget about it). This isn't the end of the world." While she was saying this I searched her eyes for disappointment, chagrin, anything. But all I saw was disappointment for me. For all my hard work and drudgery and the battle that I was still fighting. When she went away, I cried for the last time. But not for the aftermath of my exams, but for the love and support I could always accept from my family. Always.Thus, swallowing the bitter pill, I must learn something from a 13-year old cover girl, Talia, who on being asked about living with cancer said when she was still alive;

                                 "Well, a little fish told me to just keep swimming."

Crushed.........Again!

     You are walking peacefully down the road one day, minding no one else's business but yours when you are hit by a ghasting force of beguine by none other than that sleazy looking grocers boy you see every day. Yup, you are crushed, spun around in that hypnotic web of infatuation with no means to get out. You're trapped. But as we know time is the healer of all wounds so there is nothing for you to do but wait in your heart-thumping cage. Isn't this situation a bit similar with people particularly teenagers? After the long-fated crush ends, you wonder how could you ever get a crush on that thing? *I must have been out of my mind!* But, for some not-so-fortunate ones, this flame of fire does not extinguish and they are fated to pine over their beloved.
     Where is this word derived from? In literal terms, when we say we have "fallen for somebody", it means we have fallen so hard and "crushed" ourselves OVER them. In our daily lives, we usually get crushed at least once a day. Let it be that suave and good looking news caster or that cute actor or even some long-distance cousin or that stupid class-mate. For some non-committal ones, this torch lights not so often. But when it does then BAM! Watch out for the explosion!
      Sometimes it happens that a crush does not go away. It remains there like a stubborn piece of left over cake. Sometimes you laugh secretly to yourself over your stupidity and complete agility over some nincompoop. And sometimes you sit singing in the private corners of your heart, thinking you have finally fallen into love. But, why am I going on and on like this over some hormone-based malpractice? Its not really a serious topic and neither is discussing about it going to do something for the world. So why do we discuss it? Possibly owing to the course of adrenaline that rushes through our body at the image of our crush? Or the fact that your friends are going to tease you now by the letter of his first name? (or her, boys too have crushes you know -_-).
It's all the bloody hormones that make you go crazy at times!
So whenever you feel crushed, take a deep breath and remind your self, there are people dying of hunger and being killed. Your issue isn't quite serious. Or is it?